I should start blogging like Carrie Bradshaw writes her column: with absolutely no regard for how it will come off to people or what impression it will leave – just make sure they are coming back for more. Why have I always censored myself? Was the reality of growing up chronically online since the age of 12, being told that “once online always online” and the fear of being digitally perceived forever too much to handle? As I watched people getting cancelled or have stuff they posted online before their prefrontal cortex was developed, be held against them, did my own fear of this happening to me, stop me from being disciplined about writing this blog? About posting videos to YouTube? Or was it that one of my values of NOT being online all the time, exposing everything, or “living” online stopping me from sharing? Maybe a little bit of both. I think for a long time I battled with the idea/concept of being perceived. This became aggravated as I started teaching and my new teacher “hat” came with a lot of frills – don’t make the school look bad, don’t make myself look bad, be a good influence to the kids.

You know what? Why are “the kids” online to begin with? What the fuck was I doing online as a kid? One of societies biggest problems at the moment is that children have unsupervised, unregulated, access to the internet. Why should *I* be held accountable for what YOUR kid comes across on the internet? Shouldn’t I have a right to express myself without fear that if I say the wrong thing I get fired, or give off the wrong impression?

Simultaneously I do care. I want to be a good example for the kids. I want to make the school that I work at look good – because you know what? It IS good. I consider it a blessing to have the opportunity to collaborate with my coworkers in how we educate. Could it be that my self restriction comes not from not “being allowed to say certain things” but from the fear that someone from the outside would perceive that the project we are all putting so much effort into as “not good”?

Here’s the thing about the school I teach at – it is a group of educators that are in it for the students and for the betterment of not only their education but their environment. The magic is that nobody is on a power trip or ego trip.

My own experiences being a student have been peppered with more of the “power trip” teachers rather than the ones with good intentions. In college it was about “pile” [Romanian word for “you know a guy who knows a guy / nepotism”] or ass kissing. Both things which I was not used to coming from an American experience of primary through high school. Not all of college was that bad – I lucked out with the professors I had during my master’s program. For the first time, when I asked a question, they didn’t look at me or treat me as if I was stupid. Quite the opposite, they gave me resources and sent me towards other professors who could help me.

Back to the place I work at – all of my coworkers are there for the right reason, and that I believe, is one of the things that makes it such a great work environment. Instead of competition between colleagues, we help each other. Birthdays are celebrated with sweet and salty treats in the teacher’s room. Cross disciplinary classes are planned together. Mentors and mentees collaborate on personal growth and goals.

I never knew a place like this – much less a “work” environment like this, could exist. I am extremely grateful that this gets to be my place of profession. I think I have had more self-development in the last three years of working here than I had in high school. Perhaps that makes sense developmentally. Going from an old teenager (18/19) to the whirlwind of your early 20s. You read on the internet or watch little reels that tell you that your prefrontal cortex finishes developing around 26 and you will feel it! It’s true. You do feel it. Therefore it could just be a matter of timing. As it often is in this life. There is only the present moment and the eternal movement from breath to breath.

I think what I’m trying to say is that I should stop looking for excuses to not write or mostly excuses for avoiding being perceived. I saw a quote once that I loved:

“Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.”

― Donald Woods Winnicott

This is one of those quotes that rings extremely true for me. I am in a constant and consistent battle of will she/won’t she. Of having moments of bravery where I choose to share something followed by weeks of being a hermit. Along the years I have gained more confidence in myself. I would like to integrate the idea that I am in a safe place in my life where I can freely express my thoughts and feelings. I trust that my intentions are good and will be perceived as so – after all, you can’t control what other people think of you.