I haven’t checked the website to see how many “hiatus posts” I have written. To be honest I would be embarrassed – and there most definitely would also be a pattern.
Spring comes and I feel alive and reborn and all gun-ho about writing and creating and building my life. Summer comes and I get distracted having fun, in the fall it’s my birthday, and then winter comes and I go into my little seasonal depression mode.
Or at least that’s the excuse I’ve been giving myself. Although this is in part true, the lack of sun and the frigid air stopping me from going outside is a handicap, there is more to it.
I think for a while I lacked a sense of identity and as I was forced to spend more time with myself alone in the winter months, I panicked. Who am I? What am I doing? What do I even want to do?
That was the answer I came up with this winter. Instead of panicking as I usually would I accepted it. I did nothing for a while. I slept. I rested. Then at one point I started doing things I knew I used to like as a child. I started reforming my identity (so to say) by going back to the activities which I so loved as a kid. I also did them because I enjoyed to – not because I was necessarily good at it.
Crochet. Yoga. Reading. Photography. Drawing.
Then it struck me. I wasn’t posting or writing or creating because in my own head I wasn’t up to my own standards. Big imposter syndrome on my part.
Which is such a silly thing no? How can I judge nothing? Why am I striving for perfection? Who am I trying to be? Better yet, why am I trying so hard to be someone, something, I am not?
So I am going to stop. That’s enough. I am going to take the step forward into showing up for myself. Put in the effort.
There is nothing more disappointing really than looking back and thinking, man, I really wish I would have done that. Everything seems scary before doing it.
The thing is though, I was so scared of the idea of judgement I didn’t even put myself out there.
I have many stories to share with you from the past year, I like to believe I have evolved and grown, at least enough to show up for myself and stay committed to the life I want to build for myself.
Recently I sent a friend to replace me as a “lab rat”. And by lab rat I mean having your teeth cleaned by dental students. They failed to show up and I was embarrassed and disappointed. They had failed to keep their commitment.
I sat and contemplated why I took this so personally. I realized it’s because I had made commitments to myself (this blog) and had not upheld my end of the deal to myself. Because after all, at the end of the day I am doing this for myself. I want to track my evolution. I want to express myself. I want to create a platform on which I can display my creative endeavors.