Let me start off with: thank god blogging isn’t my job or I would’ve been fired not too long ago. On another note hello again! It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve written anything – and I have a good excuse! I swear!
I haven’t been writing any new blog posts, or updating my youtube channel because I have relocated to Timisoara, Romania. I was accepted as a painting major at Universitatea de Vest Timisoara in the Facultate de Arte si Design. In the process of this I had to: fly across the ocean (not something new to me but still exhausting with the jet lag), find an apartment, move into said apartment, sign up for classes and pay tuition fees, receive and unpack my apartment from Spain (big shout out to Nick for boxing and shipping! you saved my ass), aaand get settled into my new “job” as an english teacher/assistant at Babel.
I am excited for school, while I will be getting my Bachelor’s in fine arts I will also be getting a teaching degree (I’m double majoring I guess?), this will just assist me in being able to teach as well once I have graduated.
I am beyond grateful and horribly lucky with the apartment I have moved into. It’s located in a historic building downtown, which means herringbone floors and tall ceilings! And lucky for me it is within walking (or biking distance) from literally everywhere. Did I mention that my landlady is also my next door neighbor? She is incredibly sweet and we have been getting along really well. We bake things for each other, and tonight she’s coming over for dinner – I made salmon.
All in all, I am settling in well here, there is just something about the energy in my birthplace that is centered in this city, but flows throughout the whole country. It’s rejuvenating and inspiring. I have some really big creative plans, and am growing a lot emotionally.
I’ve had another revelation as of late. While my blog has always been my own (as in I’m not really influenced by anyone since blogs just aren’t that “BIG” of a thing, I mean you’re grandmother probably has one, and therefore it’s much more personal), so I have never felt that I would “make it” because of my blog. This blog has always been just an online diary of sorts, a way for me to track growth, my thoughts, and have all of my projects in one place. Anyways, I’m getting off track. What I was getting at is that I have (been trying) to grow my youtube channel and my instagram not in a way that makes it my own, and to do it for my pleasure, but by imitating other “popular” or famous people. And while it is great to learn from there, there comes a point where imitation is just over-saturation, and anxiety inducing. Of course I feel like a fraud if I’m acting and posting like somebody else. I talk and talk about authenticity but I never really got it. I still probably don’t have it. But I sure as hell am getting closer to it.
Which leads me to why I haven’t been posting. Yes I’ve been physically busy, but I also really wanted to sit and think a little: what am I putting out there? Do I even care about or enjoy these things? To which I realized that no. I was stressed and feeling low about myself because I was constantly comparing myself to others and beating myself up for not being like them. How self centered am I? Once I realized that that was a major cause of the anxiety and stress I dropped it. I’ll make youtube videos that I want to make, not that are expected for me. I’ll create art that I feel, and post pictures that I find beautiful. I don’t need to have a theme. I don’t need to be making money off of social media.
Everything is always a process: of trying, failing, learning. So what I’m saying I guess is: thank you for your patience – and look out for some big things coming from me. I’m done letting fear of failure control me.